Nightmare of New Mexico

I just woke up from a nightmare. I hadn’t had one in awhile. Even when I watch a ton of horror movies, I tend to never have them. I haven’t even been watching horror movies lately. I do however, like to share dreams every now and gain to explore them later. If they’re too personal the dreams may never end up here. (I will write them down in my journal, though.) This one is not so much. It’s pretty general.

The setting was the New Mexico desert in a cluster of trailers. I don’t know how I got there or why. I was also a child again, and had a female child friend named Sarah. (We were about 9-10 years old.) We shared a room together. It was not just a huge trailer though, it was also a business like Denny’s too, for some reason.

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A bit like this, but fancier.

The other adults were gone and I decided to go outside at night and wander around, without Sarah. I was talking to someone invisible who was a friend, but I have no clue who it was. (A spirit maybe?) It seemed normal to add commentary with it.

For some reason, I knew the area was haunted. So, did my invisible friend. We heard stories of chanting, from people we could not remember and all sorts of strange things. I think I was new to the area. We were initially afraid of something happening.

It starts out I go outside, it’s a clear and beautiful night. No one is out there with me but my “friend”. It looks like the type of serenity you would expect of the New Mexico desert. There’s a fenced area, in the fenced area there were animals. (This is the funny part.) There was a coyote or kit-grey fox thing with tiny little human-like arms, with fur on them that matched his. He was bending over and eating from a dog bowl, the way he looked was a bit similar to a kangaroo. A raccoon nearby was eating trash in the same area as the coyote thing. (The raccoon was normal and fat, as a trash panda is.) I could see desert plants in the area and there was no wind.

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Beautiful desert like this

Suddenly, the chanting starts up, it’s continuous. But it is not ordinary chanting and we had heard stories of this. It’s children chanting in an unfamiliar tongue. I have no idea what language it was. You could tell from hearing it that it was children. At this moment, me and my friend knew it was trouble. This is how those ghost stories start.

I walked forward away from the fence and closer to the sound of the chanting, to investigate. We didn’t want to end up in a nightmare, but I like to investigate things. As soon as we come closer to another trailer away from the main trailer, you can see a bunch of people and they seem “busy”. By “busy” I mean you cannot exactly tell what is happen, it’s a stressful event, there seems to be a fight, maybe violence, and everyone is distressed. Some people start running in different directions.

At this point, I recognize what is going on. It’s a replay of past events and everyone is going through it. However, these people are dead and have been dead. I can’t explain this part though, I knew they spoke Spanish. How did I know this? Maybe I heard them? (They did look Mexican, too. They had dark skin.) But nothing in my brain triggered such a reaction. So, in my mind there is a evil non-human spirit keeping them there, they don’t know they’re dead, and they are replaying past events. The family was big too, children, women, men… I don’t know how many, but bigger than my current fam.

It was exactly like the movie the Sixth Sense with extra steps. One of the guys, I think it may have been the father, was running past me. I tried to stop him as he fell in front of me. I spoke to him in broken ass Spanish “La familia…. La familia…. La familia es muerte!” (What I meant was “La familia esta muerta.” But I figured he could understand me.) I meant that his entire family and himself were dead, I kept repeating myself until I could get him to understand. The chanting in the background was getting louder and louder at this point. The dream was beginning to feel like a nightmare, the atmosphere was tense and heavy.

He replied “No… No….” Denying it while keeping his focus on the house that he fled from where his family was at. I kept saying “Si. Si.” back to him. Trying to get him to believe me. Just then, the invisible friend’s voice told me the guy was not dead nor his family and I was wrong because he saw no proof of it, I had just assumed. I disagreed with the voice. As the guy ran passed me, there was a huge hole in his neck with his distorting spirit. (Maybe from a gun shot? It was similar to the scene in the Sixth Sense where the kid asks him if he wants to see a gun, then turns around and has a huge hold in his head.) I replied to my friend “See? He’s dead.” As he flashed by us.

The chanting got so loud me and my friend began to worry. It just kept growing angrier and louder. I did not want this to be one of those nightmares that are really bad, so I ran back to the main trailer. The chanting finally stopped at the main trailer. It was silence again. There were many adults up front, because it was like Denny’s for some reason and people came at all hours of the night. I pushed my way through the crowd to go find Sarah in our room.

I asked her about the ghosts stories. I asked her if she had any experiences. But she denied all of this and seemed blissfully unaware. I was scared, I know something followed me back and I know it’s not that family of spirits. She won’t tell me anything though and has never heard the chanting. She just seemed like a normal kid, but I was still freaked out.

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Mahadevi the Great Goddess

My mom came into my room for some reason. A man, that evil not-so-human spirit I could feel but not see before, was trying to prevent my mom from entering my room. It was hassling her. If it was not the main spirit, it was one of the lackeys. I don’t know the details. I just know it was attacking my mom and I had to do something.

So some context is required here, the last few days, I do a similar chant to the Charge of the Goddess. I found it is good at getting rid of evil and giving a peace of mind. However, instead of using goddesses of different regions, as Wicca does, I stick to a list of Mahadevi and her many forms. I am not good at Sanskrit too much yet, and I do love the original prayer that uses the names of devi in “Om Durga Namaha” fashion. But when I am desperate, because names have power, I just chant the names of shakti/devi; Chandi, Chamunda, Durga, Parvati, Kali, Adi Parashakti, Chinnamasta, Gauri, etc. I do this while visualizing her.

I started praying with those names, as I slowly approached the spirit. I grabbed the spirit by it’s arm as it was harassing my mom. I kept chanting. I got to Chinnamasta and the spirit disappeared. Then I woke up. Upon awaking the atmosphere in my room felt lighter and I felt better. I definitely think I did something. The nightmare could have been a whole lot worse than it was.

 

Hinduism within me

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Kali maa, the devi of time

Been doing a lot of contemplating and learning about myself. Something I believe I missed doing in my early 20’s due to religion. I definitely consider myself an Indo-Pagan and I have been looking into Wicca again. I am more of eclectic witch though, always have been.

Before I did Aztec reconstructionism, in my early 20’s, I was drawn to Hinduism. (I had read Mahayana Buddhist texts and Buddhism came from there.) I started worshiping Kali maa on the side. I did this for about a decade. Even as an Aztec person.

Over time, my views, quite independently, based on my experiences became more and more inline with Hinduism. I always revered Kali even not active in puja, she always had a shrine in my house, and she was always dear to me. I was always speaking good of her. I love her dearly. I also always believed in reincarnation and thinks of the nature of Hinduism without always knowing it.

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Kali ma with a third eye open

I spent seven years in the Aztec religion. Seven long years, that I feel robbed me of myself and my life by that religion. My experiences with many, *not all*, of those teteo (Aztec word for “gods”. Singular “teotl”.) was definitely terrible. One of the biggest problems I had, wasn’t just the lack of support from the community and problems with the attitudes they had which scarred me for life when I was a kid, but also as time went by, me and the Aztec gods didn’t just grow apart, my whole ideology clashed with theirs!

I just couldn’t be that mean, prude, and sacrificial. I could no longer support the slavery system the religion called for. I could no longer be that anti-human. I hated the ideas of cultural purity imposed (Though some Aztec gods don’t really give a f*** from what I seen on that issue.) and I hated how not-very-progressive the religion was. ¬†And I really dislike their prude attitudes towards sex. (Yeah, that’s a thing in that religion. Even down to stoning people for adultery!)

Increasingly, because of my indulgence in Japanese pop-culture, (Shintoism has something to do with Hinduism in history) I could not let go of the Hindu cosmology. It is still used in much Japanese fiction and lore. And it totally fit my UPG! Everything I experienced. Yet the teteo would not have it, would not see it my way. I was a liar and delusional. I did not feel these gods were ever on my side and a lot of them just seemed to insult me. (They seemed to take other peoples’ side in debates, and then later, years later, apologized. It was too little, too late by then.) I feel like they contributed to my mental illness, in so many ways. But I want to make it clear, not every teotl made me feel this way. However, enough of them did to make me leave the religion permanently. (Also, due to scholarship, which other Aztec recons figured out eventually too, the religion never actually died. It merged with Christianity. I am not a Christian, I was raised one, and I don’t want *that* back.)

I was distressed in that religion. People were not as nice to me as they are now. I stopped believing in love. I believed in harsh things and hostility, because the world seemed hostile to me and I was hostile back. I was really losing it. Eventually I left Houston, after destroying my altar and I left the entire Aztec thing behind me.

I asked what religion made me the happiest, I thought it was Wicca and I have been seeking it, too. (The proper initiated way.) However, despite my eclectic witch leanings in my magickal practice, I believe I am thoroughly Hindu. (I still consider myself a pagan because of my magickal experiences and practices.) Specifically, Shakti Hindu and Tantra, which almost fits my exact beliefs I developed almost entirely outside of Hinduism. I cannot go back. (I don’t think Shiva will let me be Wiccan, too. But we’ll see what happens.) ¬†Especially after the Aztec religion caused me to lose family and friends.

I tried a few religions, this is all I tried; Buddhism, Hinduism, Neo-Wicca/eclectic paganism, and the Aztec one–that’s it. (Note: This is over a period of years. Aztec religion was my longest “pagan” religion. I am not a religious butterfly either, contrary to the sentiments other recons say about this. Trying out religions =/= a bad thing. Find yourself and your place!) Nothing else. I can’t say I “tried” Christianity per se, because I was heavily brought up into it with family almost to the point of total indoctrination. Buddhism and Hinduism are not really that far apart, in many respects. Some Hindus even consider Buddhists merely an off shoot.

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Wicca lasted a few years until I got mad at all the bad history, this was my teenage years. (A lot of pagans start out as Neo-Wiccans.) Buddhist philosophy always influenced me during that time. Hinduism was exactly where I was heading until the Aztec gods bombarded me just because I like to study religion. I thought that was what was right for me, but it ended up being worse than Christianity for me. Kali maa was always there though, she never left me and I still have her statue from a decade ago when I was confused about my direction in life before the Aztec thing.

I sincerely apologize to anyone I ever offended or was unnecessarily mean to in my Aztec days. I was completely wrong. You didn’t deserve it. I was having issues with the religion, home, finances, school, and family. I do not ever want to be that condescending and rude again. (Except to my enemies and those who deserve it!!! Haha.)

Beware of any religion that says it’s the only way, but also beware of any religion that does not practice peace! Buddha was right on that one! And if a religion distresses you more than makes you happy, leave it. Don’t waste years of your life, like I did.